3 Month Milestone

We've finally hit the 3 month mark, or the end of the "4th trimester", as some people call it.  I'm amazed at how much Josiah has grown and changed during this time.  Literally, a season has come and gone.  While it's flown by in some ways, it's felt like an eternity as well.  Being at home with an infant has been extremely challenging and not quite the relaxing maternity leave I imagined for myself.  Don't get me wrong - I am reminded everyday of the amazing blessing and answer to prayer it is to have Josiah in our lives.  To be given a  baby to care for and love is such an amazing gift.  However, dealing with the abrupt lifestyle change, coping with sleep deprivation and loneliness, and being completely beholden to Josiah's needs, often mysterious, has been rough.  I really could not have gotten through it without the constant love and support of my hubby, family, and friends.  Prayers, emails, visits, and babysitting offers lifted my spirits and got me through the baby blues.  And with each passing day, I was encouraged by the verse from Lamentations 3:22-23: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I saw new meaning to God's daily mercies through the transition to motherhood.

I have only recently accepted my new reality, which is probably why I'm finally enjoying it a bit more.  I guess the 3 month milestone was as much significant for me as a mom as it has been for Josiah and his development.  And although I quickly realized that I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom, the thought of going back to work next week is also depressing.  I crave structure and adult interaction again, but I'm sad to leave this little guy at home.  I'm also scared that I will be inadequate both at work and at home in my effort to juggle both, but I'm going to give it a try and cut myself a little slack in the process.  And if I've learned nothing else during these past 3 months, God will give me the strength and grace I need to adjust to these changes.

As everyone promised, things are much better (not 'easier' though) now than they were at the beginning.  I'm not sure if that's because Josiah is a happier baby overall or if I'm just more used to the routine and aware of his patterns and preferences.  Basically, if he's well fed, burped, changed, rested, and held, he's happy as a clam.  Unfortunately, those things are not always easy to come by.  Breastfeeding, in particular, has been fraught with challenges.  Not to go into too much detail, let's just say it's both a test of physical/emotional endurance and sacrifice.  The pain, the frequency, the time commitment, and the endless obsessing..I definitely understand why people have said it's harder than delivering the baby (although, not sure I would agree - labor/delivery story to follow later)!  I'm proud of myself for sticking it out this long since there was a time I couldn't imagine even passing 1 month...but who knows how much longer I'll last.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about transitioning to formula if need be...after all, plenty of kids (including myself!) are just fine being formula-fed...but I want to give it my 100% before making the switch.  I have such a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding.  While I think it's one of the main reasons I've struggled to enjoy my time at home with the baby, there are those sweet, bonding moments with Josiah that make it worth it...at least in the moment!

Josiah is a funny baby and I'm afraid that I'll forget some of his idiosyncrasies as he gets older.  Here are some of his current highlights:

Look how he's grown!

• He is a chunker!  Not sure how he's gotten so big since his eating is so fussy and inconsistent, and he oftentimes vomits it all out due to his reflux (he flashes the biggest grin afterwards).  People have called him Michelin Man, King Mandoo, Ddong daejee...the list continues!  His weight was at the18th percentile upon birth, but at his 2 month check-up, he was at the 99th percentile! We are proud of our porker and will be sad when he loses his famous arm rolls one day!
• He's found his voice...and his tongue!  He makes all kinds of noises, ranging from coos, grunts, roars, squeals, melodic "ohhhs", etc.  He appears to imitate our voice inflections and even "sings" along with us sometimes.  Uncle Mark recently taught him how to stick out his tongue and it's been his favorite pastime ever since. He smiles and giggles more often, which always melts my heart!
• He has also found his hands! He can often be found laying in his crib, sucking the life out of his fists.  While it's great he can self-soothe, it means a lot of hand washing and finding dirt clenched in between his fingers.  His fists are not only meant for sucking, but also punching me (and himself) while nursing.  He's starting to reach for things too, which means no wearing jewelry for me!
• Happy Feet!  From the beginning, he's been kicking non-stop.  Not sure if this normal baby restlessness or if he's actually asking for something.  These days, he likes to whack the changing table above his crib with his feet as well as my face if I come too close :(
• He makes all kinds of noises when nursing.  It's pretty funny when I'm alone at home, but embarrassing if I try to nurse him in public places.  Can't take him anywhere!  Due to his narrow trachea, nursing sessions are not complete without noisy gulps, gasps, and squeaks.  Carol once said his noises reminded her of a little puppy!  Now imagine this along with his kicking feet, flailing arms, and vomit.  Needless to say, feeding is an exhausting task.
• Josiah is sleeping SO much better at night.  It's still hard to get him down for the night, as he generally most alert around 7/8pm and wants to play!  But once he's asleep, he can go for 5 hour stretches...sometimes even as long as 10 hours!  Although this means I've been getting more sleep than the early weeks, I still can't manage to feel well rested.  Josiah sleeps like an adult - arms and legs stretched out (we can't keep him in his swaddle!) coupled with heavy breathing and snoring.  Sometimes we wonder if we already have a teenager on our hands.
• Josiah loves looking around, especially at bright lights - probably one reason why he's so awake in the evenings.  He can't get enough of our chandelier.  He flips his head around so violently that he often head-butts us in the process.  He loves watching TV too and stares with such intensity.  Uh-oh, our bad habits are already rubbing off on him :(