5 month update

Yesterday, Josiah turned 5 months old and Shaggy turned 37.  I love my two boys!  Look how similar they look (although one is plumper than the other)!

This past month was a blur. Things at work picked up significantly...and while stressful, I started feeling like a contributing member of my team again. I'm not quite "there" yet (not sure when I'll ever feel that), but I'm getting the hang of the daily juggling act a bit more everyday.  Just making it home on time and in one piece each day feels like a feat...although, that's when my REAL job begins!

Speaking of my real boss, Josiah celebrated his first Thanksgiving, surrounded by doting family members.  Both families crammed into our apartment and enjoyed a delicious feast together.  The best part of all was having Esther with us from California.  As Shaggy observed, I'm happiest when my sister is around.  She spent lots of time with us, cooked us all kinds of healthy goodness, and finally got to see Josiah after 4 months of being apart.  Josiah took to her immediately and was spoiled by her affections!

November was also an eventful month of development for Josiah.  Due to teething pain and stomach issues, he stopped stopped sleeping through the night and was generally irritable.  He would wake up screaming from his naps and constantly jam his hands in his mouth in pain.  We tried new teething toys and some medication, but nothing short of holding him seemed to comfort him.  It felt like the early days again, but with a stronger and louder version of our newborn.  I was miserable; after regaining the gift of sleep, it was tough it give it up again.  And due to some of his tummy pains, we had some of the most epic poop explosions ever.  Not fun.

As friends advised me, no phase, good or bad, lasts forever. And thankfully in this case, that came true! Josiah had a marked change this past week...and not a moment too soon since I was preparing for a big presentation the next day. He slept straight through the night again...and even more notably, he woke up a happy baby!! I'm not sure what happened, but there's been a drastic difference in his temperament.  He's now smiling and chuckling at everything...from peek-a-boo, to commercial jingles (he loves the one by Best Buy), to random sound effects.  I hope this never ends!

In addition to being a happier baby, he's been much more active too.  He's squirming and twisting his body around, but has not yet rolled over on his own yet.  He is still putting everything in his mouth, including toys, blankets and burp cloths.  His hand movements are still a bit clumsy, but more deliberate and effective than before.  He reaches for everything, including cups and utensils from the dinner table.  My favorite thing lately is when he puts his face really close to mine, starts cooing, and touches my face with his (grubby) hands. 

Can't believe we are into month 5 already.  Next challenge: solids!  As the experience of motherhood has shown me, I am NOT good at dealing with change.  But so far, it has forced me to deal with ambiguity and lack of structure a bit better than before, which has been good for me. 

4 month update

Another month gone by...but to say this one "flew" by would be a misstatement.  October was an eventful month marked by my health issues (see prior post) and return to work, as well as a Hurricane Sandy to top it all off.  Not sure if these disruptions had a direct effect on Josiah's behavior, but he's been very challenging this month.  By the looks of the big zit on his face (that's lasted for weeks), I think he's been stressed as well. 

While more playful and alert, he's demonstrated a strong will and range of emotions, for better and for worse. His laughs are more pronounced, but so are his cries and screams.  He's protesting sleep time more and more and waking up crying in the middle of the night (bye-bye 10-hour stretches).  His new trademark sound is high-pitched shrieking (like a pterodactyl!), both out of glee and anger.  And he does that while thrusting his hips to be picked up.  He no longer is appeased by the bouncer or swing, so we are looking for new diversions!  Never a dull moment with this expressive boy...

His hands have been very active as well and his eye-hand coordination is improving.  He constantly sucks his fingers, trying to jam them all in his mouth at the same time, nearly to the point of choking!  This originally seemed like a tactic to self-soothe, but has now been a desperate attempt to alleviate his teething pain.  It's so sad to see him in constant discomfort, and his face covered with endless drool.  His grip is getting much stronger as well.  He seems to enjoy tugging on toys while on his play mat, but most of all my hair.  He seems to have a chunk of my hair in his fists at all time.

He's slowly losing some of his chubbiness, which kind of makes me sad since I've learned to love his rolls :)  His bottomless appetite when he was 1 and 2 months old has taken an extreme turn.  He never seems hungry and fights me every time I try to feed him.  And he's still vomiting frequently.  Sigh - I'm trying not to obsess over it since he's still a healthy size and has enough fat "reserves" to spare.  I know he couldn't possibly stay at this 99 percentile weight trajectory forever (nor would we want that!), but it's just so hard to keep up with his inconsistent eating habits.  The upside?  Maybe him losing weight will help his neck control and body strength.  He still struggles with extended tummy time and shows little interest in flipping over.  Lazy like his mother...

After an unexpected delay due to some health issues, I finally returned to work on October 15th.  By this point, I was just so grateful to be healthy again, which took away some of my anxiety over of going back to work.  So far, it's been a decent transition for me since I really did miss having adult interactions and "me time" when I was cooped up at home.  And the task-oriented person in me feels satisfied by having things to check off my to-do list each day.  However, I feel more exhausted than ever from juggling both work and home responsibilities, in addition to squeezing in pumping during the day.  I feel like it's "go-go-go" all the time.  And as a result, I struggle with feelings of inadequacy since I feel like I can't fully "accomplish" things in any area of my life.  As many friends have encouraged me, I'm trying to be kinder to myself and just focus on getting a few things done each day.  And at the end of the day, I get to come home and cuddle with this cutie :)

Thankfully, we have a great nanny, which is a huge comfort while I'm at work.  Josiah (or as she calls him, "Papi") seems to love her, although was confused in the beginning.  I'm sure being with a new person all day, getting used to her style (which is much more active than mine!), and getting used to bottles has been quite an adjustment.  But after just a few weeks, he seems to be used to her...and even to the point where he seems to prefer her over me!  I know I'm being silly, but I can't help feeling this way sometimes! But although Josiah's affections will waver over time, I'll always be his momma :)

This too shall pass...

Apparently, things don't always go the way we plan.  For the control-freak in me, this is hard for me to accept.  But as a new mother, I better get used to this reality soon!

So...my return to work this week was thwarted by a nasty skin reaction that I got this weekend.  It initially looked like spots of acne but gradually morphed into a full-blown rash on my entire face, neck, and spots on my arms and stomach.  I look completely deformed due to the swelling and redness and can't imagine looking normal again.  Even with the aggressive course of medicine I've been taking, I have not seen any marked improvement over the past few days.  I don't even know where this all came from - something I ate?  Allergic reaction to the antibiotics I took?  Lowered immunity post-pregnancy? Stress?  I feel so helpless and am trying not to despair...but it's hard!  With all the changes and physical ailments I've experienced during these past 3 months, I wonder how much more I can take?  This is such a test of my faith...God is good, God loves me, God is with me, God's plans are better than mine...but despite these truths, I still find myself on the brink of falling apart.  I have to constantly remind myself that this too shall pass...

As I try to see the bright side of things, here are some things I can be thankful for:

• Josiah is in good hands.  Our new nanny started this week and has been caring for him as her own.  I had originally planned to be very hands-on with her this week and to micro-manage her ever move...but due to my health condition, I've had to simply trust her and let her do her thing.  I miss Josiah, but am happy to see him having fun with the nanny.
• More rest.  All I can really do is sleep since I'm too uncomfortable to do anything else.  With the sleep deficit I've amassed over these past few months, this is a welcome gift and something I did not expect before making my transition back to work.  Trying to see this as an unexpected staycation.
• Perspective.  I've been stressing about so many things as I prepared for my return to work.  Now, all I want is my health back.  All of the other things I've been worrying about seem so trivial in comparison.
• Understanding co-workers.  I'm sure it's a pain for me to be prolonging my leave of absence, but my co-workers have been nothing but understanding.  And although the timing sucks, at least this happened before going back to work, versus happening right afterwards.  I don't really have anything officially assigned to me right now, so I won't feel like I'm missing any major deadlines.

I hope to have a positive update the next time I blog.  Writing this all down already makes me feel a bit better :)

3 Month Milestone

We've finally hit the 3 month mark, or the end of the "4th trimester", as some people call it.  I'm amazed at how much Josiah has grown and changed during this time.  Literally, a season has come and gone.  While it's flown by in some ways, it's felt like an eternity as well.  Being at home with an infant has been extremely challenging and not quite the relaxing maternity leave I imagined for myself.  Don't get me wrong - I am reminded everyday of the amazing blessing and answer to prayer it is to have Josiah in our lives.  To be given a  baby to care for and love is such an amazing gift.  However, dealing with the abrupt lifestyle change, coping with sleep deprivation and loneliness, and being completely beholden to Josiah's needs, often mysterious, has been rough.  I really could not have gotten through it without the constant love and support of my hubby, family, and friends.  Prayers, emails, visits, and babysitting offers lifted my spirits and got me through the baby blues.  And with each passing day, I was encouraged by the verse from Lamentations 3:22-23: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I saw new meaning to God's daily mercies through the transition to motherhood.

I have only recently accepted my new reality, which is probably why I'm finally enjoying it a bit more.  I guess the 3 month milestone was as much significant for me as a mom as it has been for Josiah and his development.  And although I quickly realized that I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom, the thought of going back to work next week is also depressing.  I crave structure and adult interaction again, but I'm sad to leave this little guy at home.  I'm also scared that I will be inadequate both at work and at home in my effort to juggle both, but I'm going to give it a try and cut myself a little slack in the process.  And if I've learned nothing else during these past 3 months, God will give me the strength and grace I need to adjust to these changes.

As everyone promised, things are much better (not 'easier' though) now than they were at the beginning.  I'm not sure if that's because Josiah is a happier baby overall or if I'm just more used to the routine and aware of his patterns and preferences.  Basically, if he's well fed, burped, changed, rested, and held, he's happy as a clam.  Unfortunately, those things are not always easy to come by.  Breastfeeding, in particular, has been fraught with challenges.  Not to go into too much detail, let's just say it's both a test of physical/emotional endurance and sacrifice.  The pain, the frequency, the time commitment, and the endless obsessing..I definitely understand why people have said it's harder than delivering the baby (although, not sure I would agree - labor/delivery story to follow later)!  I'm proud of myself for sticking it out this long since there was a time I couldn't imagine even passing 1 month...but who knows how much longer I'll last.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about transitioning to formula if need be...after all, plenty of kids (including myself!) are just fine being formula-fed...but I want to give it my 100% before making the switch.  I have such a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding.  While I think it's one of the main reasons I've struggled to enjoy my time at home with the baby, there are those sweet, bonding moments with Josiah that make it worth it...at least in the moment!

Josiah is a funny baby and I'm afraid that I'll forget some of his idiosyncrasies as he gets older.  Here are some of his current highlights:

Look how he's grown!

• He is a chunker!  Not sure how he's gotten so big since his eating is so fussy and inconsistent, and he oftentimes vomits it all out due to his reflux (he flashes the biggest grin afterwards).  People have called him Michelin Man, King Mandoo, Ddong daejee...the list continues!  His weight was at the18th percentile upon birth, but at his 2 month check-up, he was at the 99th percentile! We are proud of our porker and will be sad when he loses his famous arm rolls one day!
• He's found his voice...and his tongue!  He makes all kinds of noises, ranging from coos, grunts, roars, squeals, melodic "ohhhs", etc.  He appears to imitate our voice inflections and even "sings" along with us sometimes.  Uncle Mark recently taught him how to stick out his tongue and it's been his favorite pastime ever since. He smiles and giggles more often, which always melts my heart!
• He has also found his hands! He can often be found laying in his crib, sucking the life out of his fists.  While it's great he can self-soothe, it means a lot of hand washing and finding dirt clenched in between his fingers.  His fists are not only meant for sucking, but also punching me (and himself) while nursing.  He's starting to reach for things too, which means no wearing jewelry for me!
• Happy Feet!  From the beginning, he's been kicking non-stop.  Not sure if this normal baby restlessness or if he's actually asking for something.  These days, he likes to whack the changing table above his crib with his feet as well as my face if I come too close :(
• He makes all kinds of noises when nursing.  It's pretty funny when I'm alone at home, but embarrassing if I try to nurse him in public places.  Can't take him anywhere!  Due to his narrow trachea, nursing sessions are not complete without noisy gulps, gasps, and squeaks.  Carol once said his noises reminded her of a little puppy!  Now imagine this along with his kicking feet, flailing arms, and vomit.  Needless to say, feeding is an exhausting task.
• Josiah is sleeping SO much better at night.  It's still hard to get him down for the night, as he generally most alert around 7/8pm and wants to play!  But once he's asleep, he can go for 5 hour stretches...sometimes even as long as 10 hours!  Although this means I've been getting more sleep than the early weeks, I still can't manage to feel well rested.  Josiah sleeps like an adult - arms and legs stretched out (we can't keep him in his swaddle!) coupled with heavy breathing and snoring.  Sometimes we wonder if we already have a teenager on our hands.
• Josiah loves looking around, especially at bright lights - probably one reason why he's so awake in the evenings.  He can't get enough of our chandelier.  He flips his head around so violently that he often head-butts us in the process.  He loves watching TV too and stares with such intensity.  Uh-oh, our bad habits are already rubbing off on him :(