Haha, pardon my pun :) I thought I'd depart from my usual monthly posts to comment about my pregnancy, mostly because I haven't really acknowledged it in my previous posts. I think that in and of itself is reflective of how different this pregnancy has been than the first. I haven't had a chance to really think about this one ...so it's crazy to pause and realize that I'm already at 27 weeks! Yikes, to think that some people actually deliver at this point is terrifying. God knows me well enough to spare me from an early surprise, right?
This pregnancy has been less eventful than the first - of course, things are less novel, there is nothing I really need to buy and set up, and no time to focus on 'nesting' since I spend my spare time chasing Josiah around. Thankfully, things have been physically less eventful too. The first pregnancy will filled with more high-risk testing and anxieties, so I'm very grateful that this one has been a bit smoother. Like the last one, no major morning sickness or pain, but same fun heartburn, leg cramping, and fatigue like last time. No real differences in carrying a boy versus a girl, except for the fact that I don't have a linea negra this time - strange, huh? I'm definitely bigger this time around than last time, so it's startling when I look down at my belly and I'm like "whaaat is that?" I think the lack of full-length mirrors at work and home have kept me in denial.
Aside from these physical reasons and other distractions, I think my denial comes from a much deeper emotional place with the prospect of having another baby and having my life turned even more upside down than it is today. I don't want to come off as ungrateful...it's just that I'm just slower to adjust to change than most so I am effectively keeping my anxieties at bay. But now in my last trimester, my hope and prayer is that I spend more of my energy with optimistic anticipation of what's ahead, no matter how insane things will inevitably be in a few months. I thought one baby would teach me to let go of control in my life, but if anything, it's made me grasp a bit harder to any semblance of order that I can. So, perhaps this second one will do the trick and chip away at my OCD. I definitely need that. Lately, I've felt like having meltdowns at any sign of disorder. Like when Josiah doesn't drink his milk or if he throws a tantrum at the dinner table, I crumble. And I harbor a lot of guilt at having less energy and patience for Josiah, not to mention Shaggy who probably feels like chopped liver from the lack of attention he gets from me!
Most people gain from experience, but I think experience has made me more fearful of things since I'm more aware. For example, I'm really scared of labor and delivery. I had a really bad experience the first time around, thus I never "published" my story. In a nutshell - I had to be induced for a while, had a fast delivery, but then had to get emergency surgery for a huge blood clot that was not identified until a night of suffering and blatant neglect from the medical staff. That really affected my initial bonding with Josiah and post-partum experience in the first few months. I thank God that everything turned out fine, but I look back and shudder at reliving those memories. What is the chance of that happening again, right? And where is my faith that God will be with me through this time, as much as he was there for the first?
Sorry that this is turning out to be more pessimistic than intended to be. I am keenly aware of my shortcomings and where I need God's grace and the help of family/friends to get me through these transitions. I just don't want to miss anything due to being stuck in my head all the time! Well, now that its here on "paper", my hope is to move forward from here!
I think the pressure to be perfect as a mother, wife and a working professional is incredibly difficult to manage. I actually think it's more difficult for a woman than it is for a man.
ReplyDeleteYour concern and trepidation about the labor and delivery is quite understandable considering the difficulties you faced with Josiah's delivery. Just remember that you are not alone in your doubts and struggles, as we have all experienced doubts about ourselves and our parenting skills.
I think the fact you are processing this and sharing your feelings is very healthy. HJ